Have been trying to stick with my own schedule for days. But find that I am stuck. Found a hole in the story I am constructing from my early poetry and sort of got lost trying to fill that gap. Went looking for an earlier piece of writing that could be patched in. What I found was a mountain of poetry, the result of having been writing the stuff for over thirty years. Can you say side-tracked? Distracted? Especially if you realize that in the past two days, I’ve barely scratched the surface of that mountain.
Today, I decided to write a completely new piece and see if that would work. It didn’t. The voice I own now is far different from that of those early beginnings. It’s been through over thirty years of experience and has learned a great deal (both good and bad) and probably lost some of its original edge. Trying to put on a Beginner’s Mind is not as easily done as said.
But, I did try. Spent some time cutting away what I wouldn’t have written years ago, fearing that meaning would be lost, or sound be disrupted. I understand that I have become comfortable with the sound of my own voice. Maybe too much so?
Although I did create something that might work to fill that hole, there is still that sense of uncertainty easing its way through my system. And the high level urge to seek out those distractions that have always called me away from this process, never to return. So, deliberately chose to do something different. I’d clean out some of my computer files, let today’s creation rest, but not get pulled into those more casual doings.
Funny thing is, the first thing I pulled up was a journal page from February of 2013. Have no clue why it was there, standing alone, and not properly filed with the rest of my journal entries. Began to read it and promptly started laughing. It began pretty much the same as this current post. All about getting distracted away from my current project, knowing that it was happening, and yet letting it continue. Gotta love that synchronicity.
However, within that one page entry were the details of a dream I’d had about this place I was in. The details of the dream went a long way in helping me understand what was happening and even what I might do to change all of that. It helped me then, and helped me now. By leaning in to listen to my own voice, I felt a release of the tension and anxiety that had been building over the past few days. It filled the gap I had created all those years ago, and let me know that I can and will continue.
The image is a doodle I created a few years ago. I reminds me of life’s up and down journey, bending back to relearn what might not have been heard clearly the first time around.