Self-Talk #1

Okay, what’s the problem?

I’m not sure if there is a problem. Well, that’s not true. There is a problem. I want to create a post here, but I seem to be making nothing but mud.

Is there something wrong with mud?

Yah, it isn’t clear, it’s bits of dirt, some water, all mixed up together and doesn’t make sense.

So, go back to the beginning.

I think that would be the Rilke quote, the one about not going outside, but going inside to listen to yourself, to hear your own truth.

So again, what’s the problem?

Well, I started out looking for a quote, you know, to use at the beginning of the post, but it all got confusing really quickly. Couldn’t find the exact quote I was looking for and found myself reading all kinds of different things, and none of them fit. They sort of did, but not exactly.

Why do you need a quote, why can’t you just begin?

I thought about that, but I really liked the idea of a quote, you know, sounds more concrete, has more authority than just my words alone. This is prose. It’s not like a poem. You can use a quote for a poem, but most times a poem is just you, saying whatever you think and feel.

And that’s different than prose?

Well sort of. In prose, I was taught that you need to support whatever thesis you are attempting, with arguments that firm up whatever stand you have chosen.

And you can’t do that with your own words?

Well, yes I can. But, if I start out by using the words of a well known and respected author, or expert in the field, it lends more authority to what I am saying. I guess.

So, you must go outside yourself to somehow get permission to say what you know and hold to be true?

Ouch! When you put it that way, no. It’s just one of the ways I was taught how to write prose, especially essays. Even though what I write on this blog is mostly personal essays and those don’t need quotes as much as the other types of essays do.

But, isn’t most of what you write personal?

Yes, it is. I just wanted to continue with the quotes because I think Rilke’s quote is so very important. Not just to writers, but to anyone who decides to create anything. Oh shit! I just did what Rilke says not to do. I went looking for approval outside, instead of trusting what I’ve spent all these years learning how to do from the inside (in imagination, sees self smacking herself upside the head). Crap!

Okay, nuff with the dramatics. Let’s go back to the beginning. What was it you wanted to say to begin with?

I wanted to write about how incredibly important it was for me to find that story about Genie. How it resonated throughout my being and became the cornerstone of my understanding of so many other things.

Like? And what exactly do you mean by ‘resonate’?

To resonate is to resound. To hear it again, like an echo that vibrates through you whole being. Something in me, heard her story and started humming deep inside of me. I know now, that was my own inner child, hearing a piece of her own story and reacting to it. Getting my attention by sounding that echo. And as I wrote about Genie, The Wild Child, through the coming months, I also saw my own inner child, and somehow they blended together and became my Wild Inner Child. Together, they broke through the silence I had been keeping because of my past history. And all of that is what I found on those Morning Pages, I wrote almost twenty years ago. When I began reading those pages, a few weeks ago, that same echo came back loud and clear.

That’s a good thing, isn’t it?

It’s far better than a good thing. I was reading my own words, listening to my own voice, as I had never done before. I was reliving, resounding my own experience of hearing Genie’s story and having it impact on my own, forever changing me and how I saw myself and my place in the world. And the best part was that the me, in this present moment, could see it all more deeply and connect even more of the pieces.

What other pieces?

All the other stories, myths, legends, and songs I have explored and allowed myself to resonate with over the last twenty years. There are so many of them, and each one takes my own story deeper, filling in the map of my awareness in countless ways, all with deeper meanings and fuller understanding.

And that means what?

That I am exploring again, revisiting, resounding, and discovering all sorts of new ways to see and know the only person I can ever truly know: me.

Think that means you are feeling more alive than you have for a while.

Yes, it does. And that comes from reading my own words, listening to my own voice, finding my own heartbeat and truth, deep inside of me.

So, that means you’ve just proven Rilke’s statement true, right?

Yes, I believe you are correct, lol, and I didn’t need a quote to do it.

How about a high five?

You got it, kiddo.