New Time

 

also for Writer’s Island prompt #15  SPELLBOUND… what is it that has you captive, awestruck, mesmerized, blown away, under it’s control
http://writersisland.wordpress.com/

This time I went to the Thesaurus, not the dictionary. The synonyms for the word new (when used as an adjective) are as follows:

synonyms: added, another, else, extra, farther, fresh, further, increased, more, other, supplementary

And that is exactly what I am finding.  An added awareness, another level of knowing, something else other than what has been the norm, something extra, farther down the path of my journey, fresh as in bright new day, further than I have ever been, an increased level of perception, more like a whole new world, one that is directly supplementary to the old one.

I saw two pelicans, the day before yesterday. Double the buoyancy (see blog titled Gifts, this site). I think they might be a consequence of the oil spill. Don’t know that for sure, but it sort of makes sense. Old environment no longer safe, one moves away and starts somewhere else.  That might be true for the pelicans I am now encountering, but it is doubly so for my own person.

That is not to say that my environment has become unsafe, it hasn’t. But, it has been totally altered in the last three months. When my Mother passed away, I was naturally lost in the loss for a time period. But, even in that lost period, I was aware that I was now free to move forward on my own journey. And yes, I felt a few pangs at the seeming callousness of that reality. Pangs or not, I suddenly had a lot of time on my hands rather than the obligations and responsibilities I had been moving through for a couple of years.

There were decisions and choices to be made. And although I thought I was moving slowly and with care, I seemed to have moved with a bit of pent up vengeance and speed. At least it now seems or feels that way. I look around me and what I see is totally new, right here in the same old space and place I occupied before.

For example: my writing. Have been doing that for years. I am here on my blog sites, doing what I have always done. So what’s new about that? In the past month, I’ve written two pieces of fiction. I have not attempted to write fiction and present it to the public ever before. Just didn’t think it was a genre I’d be any good at. And then there’s the poetry. I’m writing far more than I have in the past.

Before, I simply waited for a poem to appear on the horizon, and then wrote it down. One at a time, that’s how they came. Now, I find myself with three or four poems in progress all at the same time, and another one or two still dancing around in my head waiting (somewhat impatiently, I might add) for their turn to see daylight.

And that’s not all. The context is different, new to me, as well as form, and the manner in which I actually proceed has extra elements I would have rejected in the past. What’s more, there is a degree of confidence in doing all of these things that was not present in the past.

A very strong willingness to explore, attempt and discover where all of this newness might lead. I find myself actually grabbing at the newness, rather than hesitating, hemming and hawing around until I convince myself to, once again, stick with what is safe (comfortable). And in a very real sense, what I am doing is honoring that loss that prompted this newness.

At some point, someone might click in and point out the fact that it might not be the genre, the context, the form, the words and their connections, or my environment that is new. It just might be that it is I, myself, that is whatever this newness is really all about. But, when I get still, reach in to make contact with what is there, it is still familiar, still essentially the me that I have always been. But, maybe with a few warmer areas, brighter lights exposing a new perspective on a few things, or all of them.

And with that contact, I am also aware that this has happened before, not once, but several times. If I look carefully, and I am doing that, there are definitely connective links to those other times and this one. Similar areas that have come to light, and been warmed by that light. Similar, yet different as well.

Light bulb! This is just a wider place, one that has always been here, always waiting for me to step into. The light wasn’t bright enough to reveal its true dimensions. And, if I’m honest, I don’t believe I was ready to see those wider, broader measurements. They would have frightened and overwhelmed my senses, sent me running for whatever comfort and safety I could grasp.

Each of those other experiences was circumscribed by my own fear, which tempered not just my awareness, but also my ability to move freely into that awareness. ‘Don’t show me too much, it threatens me.’ And then the second guessing would begin. The nattering ‘what ifs’, and all of the ” but, I can’t possibly do that/s.”

Despite all of that, I did move forward each time. And it is the awareness of time that is new, this time. I have moved into the latter portion of my existence. Have become aware of the swift passage of time in minutes and hours. Aware that all of that dithering is a waste of those increments ever moving and passing.

That’s doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the fear, just as I did before. It just means that this time, I have confronted it far more readily and smoothly. All that prior practice actually found fruition. It’s about time.

And that is exactly what I am finding.  An added awareness of time, another level of knowing time as limited, that something else has quickened whatever time remains, something extra in each minute that passes, farther along the path of my own time, fresh, as in the time of sunset, rather than sunrise, further along the time allotted than I have ever been, an increased level of time perception, more to do with less time to do it in,  directly supplementary to that older, already experienced time.

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About 1sojournal

Loves words and language. Dances on paper to her own inner music. Loves to share and keeps several blogs to facilitate that. They can be found here: https://1sojournal.wordpress.com/ http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/ http://claudetteellinger.wordpress.com/
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22 Responses to New Time

  1. Mary says:

    You said

    I understand this deeply. That is one reason it is so important for me to write. I want to get all words down, all that I possibly can. For me, this is of utmost importance.

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Mary, so good to see you again, lol. I love what you just said. You find a value in your own voice, the words that you alone choose to define whatever world you live in. That is the voice from within, the one that seeks whatever healing can be found in doing just what you say.

      I think that very often, the desire to write actually originates in the deeper need to be heard. To find relevance in ones own person, life, state of being and existence. And I, just like you, find that of utmost importance. Who, more than me, needs me to hear and understand me?

      And I hope that you understand, that by writing those words, carving them here in black and white, you have made a committment. Not to me, or to anyone else, but to yourself. Congratulations. I, for one, applaud you.

      Elizabeth

      Like

      • gospelwriter says:

        Responding here first to your (E’s) comment to Mary: I think that very often, the desire to write actually originates in the deeper need to be heard.

        I agree, even if, as for me in the beginning, one writes simply to be heard by the self alone. I needed to listen to my self, away from the blather of other voices. I needed to hear myself in complete silence, in order to find my voice. It was a while before I shared my writing with even my best friend…

        And in your original post, I identify strongly with what you say, thinking especially now of this:

        I look around me and what I see is totally new, right here in the same old space and place I occupied before.

        And also the way the writing process has changed, the ideas (and words to go along with them) coming ping! ping! ping! Who would have thought I could hold that many balls in the air? And I post without worrying whether something is finished – there’s a sense of my writing totally as process (which is, by definition, eternally incomplete) and the sense of right-ness, of just-so-ness that rides on its coat-tails.

        I feel more alive than I have felt in a long time.

        Like

  2. beyourownstory says:

    When we look into the past and finally see connections that have always been there, decide to follow them,joy is possible. Thanks for your help in following my own.

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Susan,

      I love that word “Joy”. It, like you just said, can be found when we look back and see the ever widening circle we have been traveling along for a life-time. That sacred circle that completes itself with yet another wider circle, ever rippling around and outward, having been touched and changed by the movement of our passage. Enriched by each step we take, whether hesitant or sure. And even, as does happen, when we find ourselves retracing steps, it remains the same, an increase in knowledge, necessary healing for the soul, and wisdom worth sharing.

      You are both welcomed and thanked, another circle completing itself.

      Elizabeth

      Like

  3. 1sojournal says:

    Gospelwriter, or may I call you Ruth? When I first read what you wrote above, I had only one word in response, “Amen!” But, as you say, the words, the writing is never complete, but continues to flow outward, creating an image.

    Yesterday, here, there was one woman, soon joined by another. Today there are four. The image that comes to my mind finds its beginnings in ancient times, when most societies were matriarchal. Few, if any traces are found of that reality. If there were written words, launguage, there is not, as far as I know any proof of such. Our anscestresses needed the logic of the male voice for that particular fruition to take place. Yet today, I am overwhelmed by an image of women gathering in a circle, lit by a bonfire, talking, speaking, each from her own distinct and individual reality, and finding accord. Not just agreement, but woven harmony.

    And although I began this particular circle of voices, the image keeps multiplying, creating more and more circles as it reaches always outward seeking union and wholeness. A Oneness of all things reaching for self and finding Self.

    And for that image, I must thank each of you, Mary with your ‘utmost importance’, Ruth for ‘the voice you found in silence’, and Susan for your ‘Joy’. Ahh, I love it when this happens.

    Elizabeth

    Like

  4. Jane says:

    Hi Elizabeth–

    Allowing oneself to fully experience life-altering moments opens the door to what is new in yourself and to an openness to what has always been there. The rainbow after the storm, one could say.

    So glad to hear you are seeing the rainbow!

    Jane

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Honestly? I think I not only found the rainbow, but that mythical pot of gold at its end. I feel alive in ways both old and new, and it is marvelous to explore my world with all of this newness intact, and simply waiting for me to find it. I am no longer waiting for it to find me, I am stretching and pulling it toward me.

      Hope all is well with you and yours,

      Elizabeth

      Like

  5. systematicweasel says:

    I think a lot of writers can relate, letting ourselves seeing the life-altering moments, using our writing to hear ourselves (explore ourselves), looking to the past ans seeing connections with these life-altering moments. Like Mary says, it’s important. Everyone’s journey starts at their own pace. Great post! This helps, not only me to confront my fears when they appear, but a wide variety of people, thank you! Excellent take on the prompt!

    -Weasel

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Thank you Weasel. It wasn’t my intent to simply post what had already been posted, but when I went back and read the prompt again, it seemed the most logical thing to do. Or I might have risked simply repeating myself, lol.

      Elizabeth

      Like

  6. marja says:

    Oh what an inspiring journey you are on. An journey of exploration and discovery. I am very caught up by life at the moment and look out to be as engaged as you are at the moment

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Hi Marja,

      yes, I feel that it is inspiring, and quite an education as well. And I would hope that you and anyone else who is so inclined will seek out just such a place, one that suits them as well as my journey suits me.

      Thank you much for stopping by and commenting,

      Elizabeth

      Like

  7. wayne says:

    indeed a nice journey…..thanks for this Elizabeth

    Like

  8. anthonynorth says:

    Some moments just demand that you write about them. And before long you’re a writer, writing about every moment.

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Yes Anthony, and trying to figure out which moment is that one that is more important than another, only realizing that each one has its own separate value. Each one its own meaning, and lesson to teach.

      I would think there could be a danger of becoming so involved in the writing that one might fail to actually live in those moments before trying to write about them.Good thing we have to come up for air on occasion and remember to just breathe.

      Elizabeth

      Like

  9. diladi says:

    Kudos to you for your bravery and moving forward despite fear. Ah, those light bulb moments… sometimes they flash and you can’t see what is around them… but you continue to go on. Brava, Elizabeth!

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Diladi Diane,

      Thanks for the kudos, I try to keep all of them, lol, they help when I forget how far I have come. They also work well to quell those feelings of fear.

      Love those lightbulbs, especially when they happen while I’m writing. I know they are all in my head, but I swear they brighten the page, even the one on my moniter.

      And I will bow to the Brava! Even though it takes a while to stand back up, lol.

      Elizabeth

      Like

  10. pamela says:

    Elizabeth this is so true and I understand completely especially `more to do and less time to do it in`
    Well written!
    Pamela

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      Pamela,

      this was written very quickly, and when I realized that it had actually made a completed circle back to that into paragraph, I was laughing and just enjoying myself. But the more to do seems to get truer everyday. Such a change for a quasi-hermit.

      Thank you much for reading and commenting,

      Elizabeth

      Like

  11. It is all about “time” after all isn’t it? What else is there? I picture an hour glass, very beautiful. And you have said it well, spoken of “this” time and how it seems different than “that” time. Good to be in this present moment, doing what we can, I think we won’t get it all done, but we can give it a good try.

    Like

    • 1sojournal says:

      annell, I think I was just speaking to you about a watering can, lol. And I think that with that awareness of time, we will accomplish much, if not most of what we were created to do. And that thought is so satisfying. Don’t you think?

      Elizabeth

      Like

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