Not sure just quite where I am at, this morning. Been a very full week, especially for a quasi-hermit. There is a part of me that wants to get back to normal, but normal isn’t what or where it was before. At least, not what and where it has been for the last couple of years. But, like most people, there is also a part of me that wants to leave normal, turn my back, and just head out.
But then the question arises, when one leaves normal, where the hell does one go? Because one can bet that bottom buck, that wherever one goes, one will immediately start setting up some form of normal all over again. We are such simple creatures, and most determinedly set about making complexities out of most of what we think and do.
Reality is, I left normal almost two months ago. Circumstances kicked me out of the place I had been in, and put me somewhere else. Then, last week, in an attempt to regain some normalcy, I did something that was quite normal for me to do. I wrote something, and posted it. And that in turn, kicked me out again and landed me in this new place. Butt sore and a bit tired, I’m just not sure what or where this new place is. And there is a sort of misty speculation about whether or not this is even a new place.
See what I mean about creating complexities out of simplicity? Okay, so now I am in a familiar place that looks a lot different than it was the last time I was here. It’s actually just a bit wider and that’s not bad. Wider will probably mean new things, but because this is a familiar place, I still have the comfort of some sense of normal in which to operate. I think I’m making progress here, maybe.
The curves are widening out, getting smoother and easier to manipulate. The terrain is flattening and I can actually see a bit more than when I was doing the hair-pin curves at speed and just trying to hang on and catch my breath. The dust is settling, the held breath is slowing down and it looks like I’ve found a normal pace again. That’s a good girl, pat yourself on the back.
But, now the question is: Is normal a place, space, pace, or just a feeling? Or is it all of these and more? And the thought occurs that maybe we have to leave normal, occasionally, just so we can find it again. Life is never a still point. Even when it feels that way, it is still moving, evolving, and being life. Oh yes, we’d like for some of those moments to be, or get extended, but reality is that life doesn’t stop and we move on with it. That, or we find ourselves attending a great many funerals.
And with that one word, I’m back inside reality again. It was a funeral that kicked me out of normal to begin with, and now I’m here in my normal place. The pace has definitely been altered, and the space seems far wider, much emptier, yet fuller, the feelings have been expanded, or contracted, depending on the moment, but the place itself hasn’t changed all that much.
That is because what is normal is me, being me. Leaving normal wasn’t a choice, as I said, it was foisted upon me. Reaching back for it, trying to regain it is also normal, a natural reaction. Finding a huge sink hole between the me that was before, and the me that is now, is also normal. It might not appear that way, or even remotely feel that way, but it is. So there is no other choice than to face forward and get on with getting on and being me, again. Living the best I can inside the fragile skin that contains me and normal.
I have no doubt that there will be more sink holes appearing on my path. More high speed curves, more alterations in feelings and temperature. But it is also comforting to know that leaving normal, and finding other, I will always take normal with me. I can even hear that change jingling in my pocket. Change is good and it might even allow me to buy some ice cream along the way. Now, that is soooo normal.