It has been two weeks since I started the Q. and A. format in my daily journal pages. I’ve learned a lot, explored far more, and am looking forward to more of both. I am glad that I decided to try this particular endeavor and have already reaped several benefits from those efforts.
Although I have defined my journal as a dialogue with myself, I can now see that might not have been completely true. It was more a dialogue of distances. Creating the questions, then following through with thought out answers, is definitely more of an actual dialogue than what I had been doing. It is sharper, far more to the point, and yields a deeper give and take than ever before. It also takes me deeper into awareness of where I am actually coming from.
I thought I would have difficulty coming up with a daily question. That has not been a problem. I put the question at the end of the page, which means it stems naturally from all the words that come before it. When I close the page, I also “forget” the question and go about whatever business I am involved with for that day. I put the word forget into quotation marks because, although I don’t consciously think about it, it certainly seems to remain on that back burner called subconscious awareness.
That, in turn, means I’ve been a bit surprised by the questions that have greeted me each morning. Surprised, yet not. Because it has been on the back burner, it has been warming, so to speak. What surprises me even more is that I find myself more eager to begin when faced with those questions. My mind starts forming a response almost immediately and I am half way through the page before I’m really aware of being there and actually doing the writing.
It also means that there is a flow from one page to the next. It’s a bit like reading an interview with ones self. And I find that an intriguing idea. They might, or might not be the questions that Oprah would ask, but they certainly are ones that I’m interested in exploring. Ones that have always been there, but most often, no more than fleeting thoughts, fading almost as fast as they appear. Yet, they are also the kind that surface periodically and its about time they were given a specific space and place to be considered.
Which also means that I am truly going deeper than I have in the past. In my last post, I spoke about Resistance that naturally occurs with any change. I sort of had some fun with all of that. But, some of the resistance I have experienced over the last two weeks, certainly wasn’t fun. A devastating dream, and another that was a nightmare. Yet, each one again, yielded some very surprising content and new avenues of exploration.
Opening new pathways in my thought processes, may have given me a few nights of lost slumber, but it also signaled that I was on the right track in allowing myself this particular change in habits. Remember, dreams are messages from self to self, and nightmares are often a warning to wake up and actually deal with ones reality.
That brings me to the most important result in trying this new format. I have reawakened an area of my existence that I wasn’t consciously aware of letting go of. I have been thinking (or not thinking at all) that what used to be of prime importance to me personally, just wasn’t that anymore. That it had filled its purpose and was no longer necessary.
One of those morning questions pertained directly to that issue. When I wrote out the question, I actually thought I already knew the answer. But, the next morning, found otherwise. As I wrote, I rediscovered why it was and has been a primary motivational factor. And realized that I was actually angry about thinking I had to let go of it because of my age and circumstances.
Which means I have now begun another new endeavor, one that is familiar and means going back and putting on practices I have slowly let slide away over the years. Reawakening myself to my own deepest senses could never be seen as unimportant. Especially because of that age and those circumstances I have already mentioned.
This new format, might yet prove to be other than a good one. I would expect that there will come a time when I desire most fervently to let it go, let it fade into the woodwork as something I just had to try, to see if it really would go anywhere. It already has and I am delighted with the results so far. I’ll deal with future resistance when and if it happens. Until then, I’m enjoying myself, reawakening issues and practices that needed some sunlight and a breath of fresh air.
This particular journey has only just begun. If anything else results, I’ll be sure to report on it. The obvious eagerness I am feeling may be the best result of all.