It’s far too early to report on my new Q. and A. format in my journal. Just haven’t been at it long enough. One week of it isn’t enough to tell if it’s worth continuing, but I do have a hint that it might be. That hint is called resistance, and I’ve been playing with those thoughts all week long.
It started with questions and answers, of course:
Q. Why am I doing this?
A. I don’t know, it sounded good.
Q. Is this supposed to make some sort of difference?
A. Yup, but before you ask, I don’t know what the difference is and won’t know until I’ve been at it for a while.
Q. The old way was so much simpler and easier, why not go back to it?
A. Yes, it was simpler and easier and this seems like a lot more work. But, the fact that the old way was easier may have been a problem. I was operating on automatic pilot, not really paying attention. At least with this change, I am more alert and actually listening to, and hearing what I am saying.
Q. Well, I hope you remember that you ask hard questions. Don’t you think you might be setting yourself up for failure?
A. I might be. That remains to be seen. I haven’t failed yet, so we’ll deal with that if and when it happens, not before.
Q. This is all kind of silly, don’t you think?
A. Silly or not, it certainly seems to be going somewhere.
Q. Yeah, but do you have any idea just where it is going?
A. No. I don’t. Is that important?
Q. Well shouldn’t you know where you are going before you set off?
A. Yes, but not specifically, a general direction is quite enough at this point.
Q. Well, what’s the general direction?
A. Toward a keener sense of myself and how I operate.
Q. Lol, you’ve been doing that for ages and ages. Isn’t it about time you found a new and different subject? Aren’t you afraid that you are simply in a rut?
A. Well, it’s the rut I have chosen, and before you ask, no, I’m not done yet.
Q. When do you think you will be, finished, I mean?
A. The morning I don’t wake up.
Q. But, don’t you get really, really tired of all of this? Wouldn’t you rather be free of it and able to do something else, something new, maybe even exciting?
A. Yes, I do get tired sometimes, but that’s the very reason I’m trying this new format. And by the way, it is new, different, and therefore exciting.
Q. But what if you run out of questions?
A. Lol, I haven’t yet, have I? And do you really think that I will?
Q. No, I guess not. But aren’t you afraid that you’ll, you know, ask the wrong question and get yourself tied up in knots and then not be able to continue?
A. Again, we will deal with that if and when it happens. And yes, I am a bit worried about that, but also a bit excited by it as well.
Q. You are excited about being afraid? How smart is that?
A. Well, the fear itself seems to point to the fact that I’m on the right track. I don’t know if it’s smart of not, just know that fear is never a good reason to stop doing whatever it is I’m doing unless I am in danger of harming myself or others.
Q. Are you in danger of harming yourself or others?
A. Don’t know that at this point, won’t know that til I follow through and find out.
Q. That’s rather selfish, don’t you think?
A. It might very well be, but there are those who believe that a certain sort of selfishness is a virtue in many ways. And we’ve covered this ground already many, many times.
Q. Well, personally I think you are just being stubborn and will probably fall flat on your face. You’ve done that often enough in the past, haven’t you?
A. Certainly enough to know that it proves I’m human and that’s not a bad piece of information to have, is it? And again, what’s wrong with being stubborn?
Q. Well, a lot of people don’t like dealing with those who choose to be stubborn. Doesn’t it bother you that people might not really like being around you?
A. Umm, this is my journal. There are no other people involved, just me, myself, and I, and you, the voice of my own resistance to change.
Q. I might not be just the voice of your resistance, you know. I might just be the only voice of reason within miles. Have you ever thought of that?
A. Now who is afraid? And yes, I have thought of that and decided that in a very real way, that is a bit of what you are. All your questions help me to sort out what it is I am thinking and feeling, but also help me to know that I am on the right track, doing the right thing for me. And most important, why I am here and doing it in the first place.
Q. Wow! I do all of that?
A. Yes, you do and I thank you for it.
Q. Well, you are welcome, I guess. Think I better get going, but I’ll be back. See you tomorrow morning?
A. Yes, of course, tomorrow morning. (sigh)