Okay, I think I am in trouble. Haven’t a clue what it is I should write about today, just know I should be doing this. Tried to listen to some music to get me started, but was just too willing to be drawn away, getting lost in the words and the melodies. Which means no writing, just a great deal of daydreaming that is not going anywhere.
My life, the one I took so much pains to create, has been altered, changed to meet someone else’s needs. What used to come so easily and even smoothly, now has to be crammed in wherever I can fit it. And all I really want to do is drift away, get lost for a time, suspend time and maybe even place. That is so not happening.
I don’t resent the change, it is something I wanted and even sought. But, the actual adjustment has not been an easy one. It calls on me to watch the clock and that is something I’ve never been really good at doing. It also means planning and I do so love spontaneity. It also calls for some amount of ongoing daily preparation and decision making, and again, that gets tired quite quickly. Being on call and all the attendant what ifs are a hassle.
I assumed that eventually the adjustment would simply happen and I would be okay. Not sure about that one anymore. This is so indefinite and could go on for months and that thought is also tiring. I am not alone in all of this and I would think that everyone else is feeling some of the same things. But meanwhile, I have to deal with these feelings of wanting to just slide out from under and walk away. And that is not an option.
There are days when none of this bothers me and I can simply participate and feel fine about all of it. I would really prefer those days to be a bit more consistent. Apparently acceptance is going to be a hard won battle in this situation. Something I may have to work toward every day for a while.
Transitions are never simple. Why they can’t be is anyone’s guess. When I step back and realize how many things and people are involved and all moving at whatever speed, all of these personal feelings make sense. It’s sort of like being hip deep in a multi-level tidal movement, pushed and pulled all at the same time. Keeping ones feet down and firmly planted is all sort of impossible. Yet, absolutely necessary unless one intends to become just one more casualty and end up sitting exhausted on the shoreline watching everyone else moving about.
Part of the problem is that although there is a schedule, it is open to change at a moment’s notice. Because of that, my role is constantly in flux. I can make a plan, but must be aware that the plan could be changed with just a simple phone call or an unexpected visitor. And that has already happened many times.
This is all beginning to sound like the never ending complaints of a control freak, something I am not, at least hope I am not. So, we go back to square one: Remember to Breathe. If that means I need to just sit and listen to some different music, then I must give myself that opportunity. If it means spending time quietly coloring to regain some sense of balance, then that is what must happen. If it means writing a blog that doesn’t make much sense, I think I’m doing that right here and now.
I think I might be hyperventilating emotionally, lol. And I only want to laugh all the harder when I hear those words: Remember to Breathe. That is such a simple thing, isn’t it? Yet absolutely essential. We have a tendency to gasp, pull in air and hold it, when we are being pushed and pulled by circumstances. We actually do forget to breathe, to exhale. Let it all out and then pull more fresh air in deeply.
I am reminded of Anna Nalick’s song, Breathe, Just Breathe. That’s incredibly good advice. Words of wisdom I needed to hear and actually listen to. I do have a bit of time this morning, maybe an hour. I intend to turn on my playlist, listen to that song and color.
Do you occasionally forget to breathe? Can you really afford to suspend that for even one minute? I can’t. Have a good day. I’m planning on working through some breathing lessons.