I don’t want to write today. Certainly don’t want to create yet another blog. At the moment, can’t, for the life of me, think of why I ever wanted to do this in the first place, let alone actually started doing it. Really want to just sort of drift off somewhere. Don’t really care where, just some place that isn’t here, in this moment.
There’s a little voice, way back in the back of my head, that is saying this is a really dangerous place to be in. This not wanting to write space, but I’ve already been ignoring that voice for over an hour and a half. Know it is possible to do so for countless more. Even asked a friend to call me, to distract me, and managed to stay on the phone for quite some time. Laughed about senseless things, told each other jokes, and finally got off the phone smiling. That disappeared the moment I hit this blank page.
I really really want to play hooky today. Have spent the last week immersed in other people, and I want this one day to myself. Not to do anything necessary, that would ruin the whole energy of playing hooky. Like taking a day off to go fishing. Too bad the weather isn’t that kind.
Have never been interested in ice fishing and think that those who do it must be deep into a need to self-punish. Sort of like whipping yourself with the weather. I mean, fishing is for relaxing, for floating, and can’t see how one can do that with teeth chattering, and toes going numb, and then all that cold cold water, right below that layer of ice one is sitting on. Nope, that’s not my idea of fun.
So, what would be fun today? Already had that giggling laughter fest with my friend. But, I need more of same or similar. Just more of nothing, nothing serious, nothing profound, nothing so deep that one must lean forward to grasp it. Must work the mental gears to find any kind of understanding. Although I usually love that sort of discourse, its just not for today. Sounds way too much like work, discipline, energy and action, and that thought makes me tired.
I could clean the house. Heaven knows it could use a good going over. But again, that would be work. Playing hooky is not work. I’d probably feel very good about myself, though, once it was all done. That certainly deserves a few moments contemplation. No, it doesn’t. Not even close.
Hooky, how does one play hooky, yet stay home. There’s that voice inside my head again. “REALLY DANGEROUS PLACE!! Okay, so its a bit tricky, this path you are on today. The one you have marked HOOKY. Remember the last time you actually played hooky?”
Sure I do. High school, took off and walked downtown to meet up with boyfriend and others. Walked right into my parents who were out shopping. That was not a good outcome.
“You were grounded for a month, just for starters, had to come straight home from school, and couldn’t even babysit during that time, and remember the entire list of consequences?”.
Yup, I do remember, but so what? I am so far away from being in high school, living in my parents house, trying to figure out how to get around their rules without too much flack. Doesn’t have any meaning in this present moment. Does it?
“Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it does. Its one of the reasons you have to struggle to give yourself permission to walk away and just play hooky.”
Oh crap! I already decided no profound discussions today. And now my sister has called, asking me once again to alter my day to suit her agenda. It’s really hard not to resent that, especially after the fiasco of yesterday. Which, by the way, is one of the major reasons I want this hooky day. Today! Not tomorrow, today. And I almost caved. A bit of guilty feeling is not a good enough reason for doing anything.
This is all such nonsense. I will not concede to the guilty feelings. I have not done anything wrong. Wanting a day to myself, to just relax, to float for a while, is not a bad thing, nor is it a sin. As a matter of fact, it is definitely a good thing. A mental health day. ‘An artist’s date’, as Julia Cameron calls it. Down time to refresh, to refuel, to reinvigorate my own person, before I end up empty and exhausted, no good to myself, or anyone else for that matter. I deserve that, and actually need it.
Yesterday was beyond stressful. I was sort of harried most of the day, pushed and pulled in five different directions at once, and into the evening. Another day like that, and I’ll be depressed, or pretty close to that. Not a good idea for heading into the Holiday week. And my present mood speaks pretty loudly, all by itself. I have to take care of me. That is my first priority and obligation. And I already know that I need to play hooky today. Just disconnect for a while, until I can come back and have enough stamina to face whatever else is coming.
Need to lose myself in some mindless activity like coloring. Just watching the colors flow into patterns, nothing more rigorous than choosing one color from the next. No real thought pattern, no voices except those of some music I might choose to listen to. That really sounds tempting. Deliciously so. Maybe fix something warm and easy to eat. Comfort food, cause I need some comfort today. Yes, this is looking better right along.
My sister will have to take care of her own agenda and obligations. I need to take care of me. My obligations have to do with me today and my need to play hooky. And I have actually taken care of even one more by writing this. Now all I have to do is figure out what to title this blog. Then it is onward and upward to warm comfort food and all those delicious colors. I could probably do some dishes while I am making my comfort lunch. Who knows? Anything could happen while one is playing hooky.
The world doesn’t need me for this short space, and if it does, it will just have to wait for tomorrow, when I will be ready because I took the time today, to feed myself internally, as well as externally. Temptation, here I come, and my teeth are not chattering, nor am I losing the feeling in my toes. Still glad I went fishing though, sort of speak, lol.