Sit, Walk, Run, and Fly

 

I had a very busy day yesterday. Was out and about for the majority of it, which is quite unusual for this quasi-hermit. Started out with an unexpected chat with the friend I spoke of in my last post. She was watching the inaugral hoopla and giving me blow by blows of all the television images she was watching. Of course, we made comments.

Then it was a doctor’s appointment with a very pleased, smiling, and congratulatory physician who seemed utterly grateful to have a patient who actually listened and did what was suggested. She kept patting my arm or shoulder and telling me how proud she was of what I had accomplished. It was quite nice to know that I had made her day with all test results in the “good” zone, a hefty weight loss, and everything under control.

Next was a spontaneous lunch with my younger sister who was delivering a chair from my Mother. We went to an old stand-by place from our teenage years and found our brother sitting at the counter having lunch by himself.  He lives in a small town about 45 miles from the city we both inhabit. We laughed and chatted for an hour. Then back here to bring in the chair and more quiet visiting.

After she left, I took a well-needed nap, only to be awakened by a phone call from my nephew who was on his way over to get me so that we could go shopping for a television converter box. We only had to go to three places before we were able to purchase the necessary object. We came back here and caught up on one another’s recent activities. He gave me a great idea for showcasing some of the images I’ve been working on.

Finally got back to my computer after a very busy day in which it felt like I’d been moving constantly, at one pace or another. Immediately found an email from my other sister with a link enclosed. Brief message, and just the link. I started to watch and was inturrupted by a phone call, and then another. Never got back to the link.

Throughout the day, I had only been able to catch glimpses of our new President and all the celebrations in his honor. Also heard and participated in several conversations about just that and all the hopes and fears related to our present situation. It was as if you could hear and see people taking in a big breath, one filled with hope, but also the knowledge that there would be many adjustments to be made in the coming months and years. A breath taken in preparation for whatever action might be called for in the coming days.

Never did get back to the link. Got caught up in my own little world of words and color and then went to bed. Wrote a more detailed account of all of this in my journal this morning, then remembered the link and went there to finally watch and listen. My sister had only written one short note in the email and that was that she thought this was appropriate for this day’s doings. She was right about that in so many ways. The link is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-0NvkuPHZI

First we must sit up, before we can stand and walk. Once we learn how to walk, we can then run. Can we fly? Yes, we can. But only if we believe, see ourselves doing that, can we do so. It is a learning process, done one step at a time, just as the song in the video describes. One we have all participated in during our lifetimes.

As though the Universe wanted to make sure I understood that clearly, my day was filled with just that process. Sitting at the computer, walking into the doctor’s office, the restaurant, the three different stores. Running around (not as fast as formerly, I assure you), and emotionally flying after the doctor’s visit and the surprise of running into my brother and the chance to laugh and talk with him.

Flying, as the video suggests, needs both trust and support. It is possible, but one must trust that there will be arms outstretched to catch you on the way down. None of my day could possibly have taken place without those two ingredients. Trust that others would follow through as promised so I could get where I needed to be going, and the support of others both expected and not. Trust on their part that I would likewise follow through and also give them the needed support they desired or not, but got anyway.

We have a new President. He, and we, have an opportunity to learn how to fly. Are you taking that deep breath of preparation? Are you ready?

Waiting On The Page

 

It’s one of those days. Usually I come here via my journal, and by the time I arrive I have some thought or issue bouncing around inside my head so that when I get to this blank page, I have a general idea of what direction to take and just begin. The rest unfolds, many times surprising me more than anyone else. But, today I seem to be the blank page itself. Disconnected thoughts float through and I let them. Nothing concrete, just clouds moving through the landscape, but leaving no residue to hang onto.

I could leave and go do something else, but if I do that, I might never come back, and that thought frightens me. There is nothing that holds me here, nothing that forces me to stay, other than this blank page that needs filling. It is my choice to attempt to do that, and although I am more than willing, I still can’t come up with a subject that will interest me, let alone anyone else.

Even that statement isn’t quite true. There is something I do wish to write about, but when I try to focus in on it, the words simply disappear and the thoughts seem to run for cover, and everything goes blank like this page of paper. A blank piece of paper can be so intimidating. It’s innocent of any wrong doing, and yet seems to have pointing fingers, chiding remarks that rise silently, fast becoming a dark cloud that simply hovers waiting to drop a storm that never really comes to fruition.

On the flip side, a blank sheet of paper is an open invitation, whispering of untold fulfillment to be had with simple action. It’s a promise waiting to be filled, a journey, a path yet to be discovered, a story never told awaiting its own unfolding. The only thing involved is a bit of risk, a chance taken that might, or might not, go somewhere. Might lead anywhere. And that anywhere is what stops the action necessary to proceed.

Anywhere means without specific destination. What if I end up in the one place I don’t want to be? What if it takes me to one of those dark corners where the shadows move for no reason, and one just barely catches the sound of something that might be breathing? Shudder at the thought. Maybe I should run now, think later.

But anywhere could also be a bright space of sunshine and laughter. If I run, I would miss all of that. The moment would be lost, possibly never to come again. And that would be just plain sad. It might hold a lesson I have been seeking to learn for years, and my fears would cheat me of that opportunity. That would leave me ignorant, blank, once again, just like this sheet of paper. What exactly is this sheet of paper trying to tell me?

Dear Writer,

you come to me filled with ideas, and I wait to accept any and all you wish to say, think, feel. I see your hesitation and can only greet it with hope. I will never be fulfilled unless you begin. I hold only this one purpose, but I need you to act before that purpose can be satisfied. I long to carry your burdens, share them with you, for that would give me shape, form, and dimension. But, unless, or until you act, I possess none of those things. I am simply empty, so I mutely stare back at you and plead for your mercy.

Yes, I am a beggar, without pride or even distinct purpose. I long to be filled, given a reason for existing. Not only am I strong enough to hold and carry your burdens, but I can and will encompass all of your joys as well. Help you celebrate even the smallest of these, and do that gladly and with deep gratitude. I can help you in so many ways, to remember specific days, moments, and experiences. I can teach you things you never dreamed, give you more experiences than you have ever imagined. All of this and so much more. But none of this will come to pass unless you move, act. So, I have no problem imploring you to take me, use me, fill me up, and in the process I will become more than I have ever been or could hope to be.

I would be your friend. Do that gladly and extend your world exponentially. You speak of fear, that I frighten you. Don’t you realize that the fear will only grow each time you say no to me? Become as solid as a brick wall you are incapable of climbing? You can run away, but be certain you will have to keep running forever. Is that what you really want? Really?

Fear must be faced, confronted. That is another of my purposes. I will be here, with you as you move into those dark and shadowy places. I will be your friend and help you attend to whatever you find there. But, again, that is all up to you. You are the main ingredient and I am just a tool.

So, use me, abuse me if you must, I don’t care, after all that is exactly what I am here for. And I can make you a promise, one that I can keep forever. I will never speak out of turn, never chide you, never point a finger, I don’t own them. The only speaking I will ever do is that which you allow me. I alone am nothing, just a sheet of paper, your humble servant awaiting your bidding.

With a great deal of gratitude, I am and will remain,

Forever Filled

The In-Betweens

 

This is a difficult time of the year. Christmas is behind us, New Year’s is still coming, and we are caught between them. All the gearing up for the Big Day, needs to find its natural release, and feels a lot like letting down. All the color and excitement is over and it’s time to make plans again. I doubt I am the only one feeling the blahs as a result. Those in-between spaces and places that very quickly go gray in comparison to music, laughter, get togethers, surprises, gifts, and what not. It all goes by so quickly and we are left feeling just a bit bereft because its over and behind us already.

Do I have a solution? Nothing other than that we are all in the same boat. The fact that this lull is a natural one, might not satisfy, but it does make sense. There is a balance in all things. Even in the ongoing rhythms of our daily experience. All that anticipation must find a balance in the reality of the few small, or maybe major disappointments. Many of us had to change plans because of the weather, or cancel whatever plans we had made. Making such adjustments might be easy for some, but for the majority of us, it leaves an aftermath.

We are facing a New Year with all of its inherent expectations, or maybe none. We want it to be different, better, but what would make it so? Is there something we can do to bring that possibility into a clearer focus? What one thing would you personally like to see happen in this coming year? If you are like me, that thought might draw a blank, maybe a few fleeting ideas, but nothing with any real focus. And yet, there are some things that I would like to see happen in my small little piece of the world.

I would like to see more acceptance, more understanding, less strife and tension. A whole lot less anger and dissatisfaction. So, as usual, it must begin  with me. Are there people in my life who need more of that? Most certainly. I can think of several. Can I offer them a bit more tolerance and a lot less judgment? Specifics? Oh, that sounds like real thought and work. But, if this is truly what I want, than it is what I must begin to give. Starting right now and in this moment. It’s called seed faith.

Nothing grows in the in-betweens. It’s a blank gray space. But, I am here, inside of it. I am alive, breathing and therefore, hopefully, growing. It’s hard to think in this place. The thoughts are there, but moving like fog and just as wispy. Hard to hang onto. Where was I? Oh yes, seed faith. Giving what you hope to receive. Sounds a bit selfish, doesn’t it? Maybe even a bit more than just a bit? Maybe a lot?

Well, it is, but it isn’t. Make up your mind. Well, I’m trying to but I’m stuck here in this in-between place, and it’s very difficult to concentrate. So, seed faith? Is it selfish or not? Well, it might start out that way, but it changes as soon as one engages in it. The action of seed faith is giving out of your need. And giving isn’t selfish, at least it’s not supposed to be. Seed faith doesn’t work if you give expecting that other person, the recipient of your gift, to give back. You give with hope, nothing more. And that makes it far less selfish because it changes the emphasis. It becomes more important to give than to receive.

So, if I want acceptance and understanding, I need to give those things to the people around me. Whew! I think the fog has lifted a bit, I can now see a bit of sunshine in the offing. There’s more to this though, isn’t there? There is that balance thing to consider. When I give, I empty my own hands. And empty hands are capable of receiving. If I’m stingy with acceptance and understanding, hanging onto them because I think this person, or that one, might not be deserving, than I am actually filling my hands with judgment and they can’t receive anything if they are busy clasping the heavy hard edges of that commodity.

So, I have to let go of the judgment and just give. I think I’m beginning to see what this entails. I have to make sure my hands are empty before the giving can be anything but selfish. Then, and only then, is the giving true giving and with it, comes the end of the land of in-betweens. No more gray fog and wispy thoughts. And the specifics will work themselves out as I move through this day and into the next one. Instead of all that grayness, I now have purpose and clear focus.

Each person I meet must be seen through that focus. What bit of acceptance and understanding do I need to give this individual? By doing that, focusing outside myself, I actually move me outside of the land of in-betweens. It wasn’t at all comfortable and I’m glad to be leaving it. I much prefer the sunshine and all that can be clearly seen and experienced within it.

Hope you have a good day and many more in this coming year.

Christmas Wish 2008

 

I wish for each of you
a day of warmth and gentle
kindness, full of laughter
and whatever love you can
contain. At least one hug
offered and accepted freely,
an embrace that allows
each individual to know
they are accepted for who
they are, and all that they offer.

One pair of eyes that light up,
sparkle at sight of your countenance,
dance with inner joy because you
have arrived and are alive
to share these moments.
Food that is nutricious
as well as delicious
and sates the hunger
that dwells in each of us.

I wish you soft music, laughter
that is a tonic to tired souls,
and the light of hope
that comes in many shades and colors.
Most of all I wish you love
that is not complete
unless given as well as received,
soft reminder that each of its strands
held in our hands, bind us to one another
and will always do so.

Have a Merry Christmas, and a  Wonderful New Year,

Elizabeth

Stain Removal

 

Remember being dressed up in a new outfit, new shoes, cleaned and sparkling from head to toe, with Mom’s smiling approval? On the way to some social event, if only at Grandma’s house for holiday festivities? Then within the first hour disaster strikes and somehow you have to spend the rest of the day looking at some horrible stain on snow white shirt, fancy pants, or new dress? Worse part is, it wasn’t actually your fault, but Mom’s smile has turned to a frown of disapproval or disappointment, each and every time she looks over at you.

Those looks haunt you, even years later, because they are a moment when you knew you didn’t have that approval that made you feel secure, safe in a world that was, for the most part, quite overwhelming at times. It would be great if there was some sort of All Purpose stain remover that could be applied to the memory, remove the stain, and let life go on without it.

A few days ago I wrote, in a poem (Only Lightly Grasped),  about the stain of sin on a precious white soul, that the nuns of my childhood told us about. They knew their stuff. Knew of that almost universal experience and its consequences and affects on young and impressionable children. Knew it and used it to create an image that is quite haunting and somewhat daunting to deal with.

In the poem, I compared that stain, that image, with writing words on white paper. But, the writing is a stain remover, one that actually works. Being a child means making mistakes both large and small. Making mistakes is simply an inherent part of the process of learning and growing. Yes, it can be avoided on occasion, but never completely. And those mistakes leave a stain on the soul and in the memory. Not just stains, but sometimes scars on that developing psyche.

The word sin actually means, missing the mark, ie. mis-take. It does not mean evil, wicked, or hell-bound for a surety. Those definitions came later, and depend on the particular view of the speaker using the word. It simply means missing the mark, and because it does, it also means that one might do better to change ones trajectory so that it doesn’t happen again. Which means there is always hope that with practice, little or much depending on circumstances, one may eventually hit the mark and move on to other things.

Yes, I know there are Big and Little sins, but regardless of the adjective placed before it, the sin still means the target has been missed and its best to try again, or walk away and not even make the attempt. That also depends on the individual and is therefore, a matter of personal choice.

It took me years to discover this small bit of reality, the meaning of the word made a world of difference to my sense of self, as well as the past I carried with me no matter where I went, or what I was engaged in at any given moment. With that discovery came the realization that if sin was a mistake, a missing of the mark, then I could possibly find a few ways to undo what was irritating and disappointing in my past, and maybe even put that smile back on my Mother’s face. Wow, that was a freeing moment of enlightenment.

Simply put, it meant I could actually go back and correct the trajectory, change my aim, and remove some of those stains the nuns spoke about. For a while, if I’m to be honest, it meant I could thumb my nose at those black clad women who sometimes haunted my dreams even into adulthood. Eventually, however, I had to admit and acknowledge that the image they used, was also a key into redefining my life experience. Which meant that I could actually thank them profusely for supplying it. Hell of a turn around, that was.

So, how does this all work? We do remember every moment of our existence. Each one is stored somewhere inside of us. Some of those memories have the power to make us wince, feel shame or embarrassment, even years after the experience. They can prevent us from moving freely through our lives. Tie us up in knots that don’t allow any form of forward progress.

The first step, always the most difficult, is to take them out from that dark space inside our person. Bring them out into the light of today, rather than leaving them in the shadows of yesterday. Hang them on a clothesline and let the fresh air get all that musty smell off of them. We do that by writing them down on a piece of paper. Yes, making another stain, this one with focus and deliberate purpose. This is the stain of new beginnings, new avenues to explore, new images to record and to learn from. This is the stain of hope. Hope of change, perhaps of renewal and even rebirth, new uses, and purposes and possibilities.

None of that will happen if we just walk away and leave them. That old stain will always remain, and with it, the discomfort of emotions that attend all such things. And there is also the fear of what such exposure can bring. It is the inherent value of a personal journal that allows that risk. But also allows the fresh air and sunlight such an airing provides. That reduces the risk to time and energy spent. Not a bad price for stain removal and possible renewal in the bargain.

Do you have a new outfit for the holidays? Something really special that might even make your Mom’s eyes sparkle with approval and regard? Wear it with confidence, let it inform you that all things are possible if you want them enough. But also remember, if some clown comes along and dumps his dinner plate in your lap, you can go home, and remove the stain, begin the process that could allow you to be a new person in the coming New Year. Trust yourself and the stain remover, it works. Happy Holidays to one and all.