Picking Up The Pace

 

My journal does a lot of things for me. It makes me aware of where I have been, what I have done, teaches me about myself and my life. Helps me to keep track of my friends and my feelings at moments. This morning, it helped me remember all of those things, especially what day it is.

Have you ever done that? Awakened and become aware that you are not quite sure what day of the week you are operating in? I did that this morning, sort of stumbling through my usual routine, but kind of confused because thoughts about what was supposed to be going on today were blending into tomorrow and yesterday. I finally stopped when I got to my journal page because I realized I just couldn’t think of exactly where I was.

So, I read through yesterday’s page. No wonder I was confused. A great deal has been happening. Lots of changes and alterations looming on the horizon. People, both friends and family, with life altering health issues, a huge possible move for one with daily implications of change for me personally. And a small incident that happened in my home, that I wasn’t even aware of until last night. Nothing major, just a bit stunned that I missed it completely.

Spring is definitely shaking the moth balls out of her green skirt. And I don’t think I’m quite ready for her arrival. I had gotten nicely comfortable with my quiet slow-paced winter days and evenings. Now, it seems, suddenly that is all at an end. And here I am, just wanting to sit down and relax for a few minutes. Nothing to do but pick up the pace and hope it all happens as smoothly as possible.

It’s funny. I write this blog about keeping a journal because it is what I know about, have taught, and really believe it is genuinely important for all kinds of reasons. Then suddenly get slapped in the face with the reality of just how important it can be and is to me, personally. I really don’t want to miss a day because of confusion or any other reason. I only have so many of them and that makes each one important.

My Mother is ninety years old. She does really well, but is also slipping a bit and its becoming apparent to all of us. She doesn’t always remember things, people, or aspects of her own history. She needs more of our attention and we have figured out a way to accomplish that without limiting her sense of independence and freedom. She is also a very proud lady and we take pride in all of that.

At the same time, that all reminds me of my own age and thoughts about my own future. I take pride in the same things my mother does. And although I have been keeping a journal for many many years, I am far more aware of its importance now, then ever before. A very long time ago, I read that one of the major issues about aging is keeping the mental faculties alert. I decided that keeping a journal would be, for me, a cornerstone in my own process of preparing for that reality. I am so glad that I did.

The few minutes I spent reading yesterday’s journal page, put me back on track and even helped me decide what I need to get done today. I could have just kept stumbling through, hoping that at some point, I’d make it around the corner and it would all fall in place again. It’s scary to think there might come a day when it doesn’t. There are very good reasons why people fear old age, and that is one of the biggest of them.

At the moment, I am old, but not yet elderly. Personally, I intend to push those limits for as long as possible. Which means I will continue to challenge myself and my mental faculties wherever possible. I did that yesterday, as a matter of fact. I invited Diddums to send me some of her art to use as inspiration on my poetry site. She graciously and promptly agreed. You can find the results at:

http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/

and you can find Diddums at:

http://diddums.wordpress.com/

My journal is looking somewhat like an anchor in all of that, at this moment. Perhaps, more a key. Yup, I like that definition better. An anchor is meant to limit movement, or to at least slow it down. A key holds the promise of further possibilities. The same sort of possibilities held in those green skirts that Spring is shaking loose. I might have thought, even wished, that she would hold off for a while, but I certainly can’t hold her back from doing and being exactly what she is: an invitation to new beginnings.

So, take a deep breath, pick up the pace, and whatever you do, don’t forget that key.

Repercussions and Counting The Cost

Writer’s Island prompt #15 “IF I COULD CHANGE ONE THING”.

What would that be? Nothing. That’s right, I wouldn’t change anything at all. It’s not because I’m afraid of changes, or incapable of them, or don’t occasionally wish things were different, or that change occurred at a more rapid pace, it’s that there would be repercussions that I couldn’t see or even begin to estimate, and some of those would not be on the positive side of the slate.

Changes always bring some form of loss. Always. Loss means grief and we all have enough of that to deal with already. We may not be consciously aware of it, but the majority of us are dealing with some aspect of loss and grief on a fairly consistent basis. Life is always changing, evolving, revolving, and so are we. And with each change, we experience loss of one sort or another because that is what change is all about, letting go of one thing to make room for another.

There are those who love change, seek it out, even chase after it. But, one has to wonder how much they lose in that process of constant change, and what happens when it all catches up to them. There is always that need for balance. Which means, there are also those who can’t, won’t change because of fear and the weight of incalculable things to be considered should change ever take place. And again, there is that issue of loss that happens whether an individual chases after change, or absolutely refuses to embrace it on any level. I have known both and neither are happy or content.

One is far too busy looking for something new to try, while the other is constantly complaining that things never remain the same for any length of time. Both are exhausting and neither is satisfied, therefore both can and do give off an energy that is far from comfortable.

That is not to say that change is good or bad. It can be both, but isn’t. It simply is. And the rate at which we accept that reality fluctuates throughout our existence. Children are born curious, with a need to explore, and a strong desire for new experiences. But eventually they do grow and become idealistic, meaning they see themselves as the original authors of change and the change must occur now.

The idealism is slowly dropped as the individual gets involved in the working through of daily existence and energies are spent just staying alive and somewhat even keeled, if that is possible. Then comes middle-age and a shift toward the inner aspect of life, and for many, that means a lot of personal changes, difficult decisions and choices.

The next stage, that of old age, is another change or shift in perspective. Here the task seems to be acceptance of change as a constant and a desire to leave some sort of legacy to the next generation. When you stop and think about all of that, it’s an incredible amount of change for one individual to deal with in one short life-span.

But that still leaves one major change to deal with. The acceptance of death and the reality that it will occur. Wow, that is a major bummer, certainly the biggest change of all. And it certainly entails that loss and grief I spoke of earlier. And may even account for all those other necessary changes we have encountered. Maybe life itself, is no more than a rehearsal for that ultimate change defined as death. Maybe we need all those changes in order to accept that we are finite creatures and will, someday, no longer be here to change, or be changed.

I can hear the words of that Stevie Nicks song running through my head: I’ve been afraid of changes, cause I built my life around… And right alongside of it is that reality that a butterfly flitting its wings can cause a major disaster on the other side of the globe. Changes always have repercussions. Always.

So where does that leave me? With the reality that change is a major undertaking, and not one to be engaged in lightly. Change is a necessity, it is a big part of life and especially of any growth that takes place in that life. I have said before that I have lived many lives during this one I have been given. That remains true and at the moment, I am finding, discovering, and creating yet another one. I am not afraid of changes, though I do duck on occasion when I see them coming and know they are inevitable. But I don’t fight them.

I used to, and that’s a waste of energy. Energy I need to be able to accept the changes that are occurring, and find my own particular path through them. And that I will do. But, no, I do not wish to be the author of those changes other than for myself. I will also lend my energies toward changes that I see can be beneficial. But to instigate them for anyone else, no. I never want to be that butterfly flitting its wings as it flutters near a flower, bringing a disaster to any part of my world, here, there, or anywhere.

Accepting the constant changes in life, is a personal choice. It is also a freedom. One that entails responsibility as freedom always does. There is an old religious saying about counting the cost before activating a change. I used to think that meant that I must count the cost to my own person. Now, I know that it reaches beyond me and into the rest of the world. All changes have ripple affects no matter how large or small. Those ripples are the repercussions of change. Which simply means, choose change carefully, think it through, and for me, that means on the page.

Guilt Is Not a Feeling

 

Many years ago, a very wise person told me that “guilt is not a feeling, it is a fact.” It took me several more years to fully comprehend exactly what that meant. If guilt was not a feeling, and I could wrap myself around that reality, then I could be free of at least half, if not more, of the burden I was carrying around about my own person. But first, I had to be able to separate the fact from all of those feelings. That isn’t as easy as it sounds, because guilt feelings can be nothing more than a habit picked up in childhood and never dropped, through out a lifetime.

But, at least I had a starting point and that was better than none. We all carry guilt around, for both real and unreal reasons. Guilt is a hell of a motivator, when it comes to carrying out what we have decided, or chosen, as our responsibilities. And we all know people, individuals who carry far more than their fair share of responsibility. Always busy taking care of something or someone else, with never enough time to just sit back, relax and take time for themselves.

Freedom entails responsibility. Yet those overly burdened individuals, seem to have missed that point, given up the freedom in order to be the responsible people they are and have become. I often wonder what they think they are guilty of and how long they will continue to operate under the seeming mountain of guilt that they obviously feel a need to atone for. Vicious cycle, that one. It can and does often end up being the reason for disastrous choices that result in lives never lived fully, or far from happily.

So how does one separate the fact from the feelings? Carefully. Because there is a delicate balance in all things, there are those out there who never take responsibility for anything. They are experts at pointing a finger, laying down blame and walking away free and clear. Or do they? The best example I can think of is Adam in the Garden of Eden. When faced with God’s possible wrath for breaking the rules set up, Adam didn’t take responsibility, he shifted it to Eve, and then to God Himself, by saying in effect, “Don’t look at me, it was that woman You made for me that did it. She talked me into it, and I just didn’t have any choice in the matter.” Ahhh, poor man, he obviously didn’t know that one always has the choice to say no. Good thing God knew and still held him accountable.

But that is a good place to begin that sorting out that I spoke about earlier. Do you have anyone in your life who is constantly pointing a finger at everyone else, other than at self? If you are someone who picks up guilt feelings like a magnet, it might be a worthwhile endeavor to see if that pointing finger has homed in on you and if you have accepted the flag of guilt that it portends to.

Unhappy people have a tendency to complain and often wag a finger in the process. I have been dealing with someone like that lately. It is difficult to point back at the source, but I’ve actually done that on occasion. Most often, that falls on deaf ears, but at least I am able to remind myself that I haven’t done anything wrong and I am not responsible for that individual’s happiness, she is. It would be wonderful if she understood that, and maybe some day she will. One can always hope.

Most often, I head for my journal and talk it out with myself. I sort through the feelings until I find the facts of any given situation. If I don’t do that, I will walk around with a burden that is vague and uncomfortable, and definitely puts a cramp on my own freedom of thought and action, and negatively affects the simple pleasure in this life I have created. It doesn’t take more than a half hour to do so and the rewards are a lighter me, who can then go about my own life far more freely.

The flip side of that coin is to be honest when you ask yourself, “Did I do anything wrong?” I’m not talking about thoughts, or feelings. I am talking about actions taken. Remember, this is about facts. Thoughts and feelings are not facts. They do not become facts until they are acted upon. And the act is the only part of this that retains any possibility of guilt. And once that is determined, one has a definite path one can choose to take, or not.

That is not to say one should dismiss negative thoughts and feelings. One should, and can choose to explore them and try to discover their source. Perhaps, when it is discovered, it will lead to a change of heart, or even acceptance. And those are definitely to be counted in the freedom columns. They will also allow a wider of range of choices in actions, and thus, far less guilty feelings.

But what happens when you find that the guilt is indeed a fact? Again, new paths are immediately opened. A simple acknowledgment of the guilt, immediately lessens the burden of the whole. Apologies are difficult for some, but they often suffice and release a great deal of positive energy into a world that desperately needs more of that commodity. And that might lead to an action that will redeem or nullify the original one that caused all of it in the first place.

An act of recompense is definitely the individual’s choice. It doesn’t have to be public, or even stated as such. I once gave someone a gift to replace something I had inadvertently lost. I felt no need to explain and the individual was pleased with the gift and none the wiser. The individual never missed the object, but I still felt a need to do what I did, and get rid of the feelings attached to the experience. And it did just that. I made recompense and was glad to do so.

Some actions do need a more public recompense. But again, that is up to the individual. Giving ones self the opportunity to finally put paid on anything that will result in new freedoms is worth the effort. Getting rid of whatever load of guilt one carries is, and can be, an incredible experience. Allowing one self to know that guilt is never a feeling, but is a fact, is one of the healthiest things one can do for oneself.

A Balancing Act (With Questions)

I recently received an email which contained a video of an amazing Russian balancing act. A young woman stepped onto a spongy pole held, on either end, by two young men. She proceeded to do flips and somersaults, high into the air, always landing on that suspended pole, which because of its consistency and the skill of the two young men holding it, acted as a trampoline. Each time she did so, ones heart skipped a beat as breath was held while waiting for her to land sure-footed and okay on what had fast become a very fine line between her and disaster. When another young man joined her on the pole, even balancing her on his shoulders as they both flipped and landed securely, it was apparent that this balancing act had been taken to an unimaginable level. It was a stunning performance and one that deserved a great deal of applause.

Until now, I have steadily encouraged you to break your silence and to begin to establish the most important dialogue you will ever partake in: that one with self. That is after all, what I am about. But, because I have focused on the breaking of silence, I must now lend a few moments to keeping silent when it is appropriate to do so, and the fine line between those two opposing points. A very different kind of balancing act, but just as precarious as the act I have already mentioned.

There is a distinct freedom in breaking ones silence and beginning to speak, to express ones self, no matter what form that expression might take. Doing flips in the air between one moment and the next is only one of them, and I hardly think we have exhausted the list of possibilities in that arena. However, every freedom, no matter how small or large, also entails at least one responsibility, if not many. There is the responsibility of maintaining the freedom one has allowed oneself to grasp hold of. There is also the responsibility to see that no one is harmed or damaged in the process of claiming said freedom. If freedom is possessed at the expense of another, then it isn’t really freedom at all.

To finally allow oneself to speak of thoughts and feelings, to begin to define ones world, and ones place in that world, is a very heady proposition. And yes, it can be a delicious secret one carries around and hugs to the self out of sheer joy for the new freedom one is experiencing. But, as with all secrets, there comes a time when it spills over its confining boundaries and must be shared. Its fact, reality, and resultant outcome is just too good not to slip out somewhere along the way. To keep it a secret, is to silence it, which lessens its value as a freedom. It must be allowed to grow, to expand, and learn what it is ultimately meant to learn and, therefore, to teach.

Did I just say teach? Yes, I did (quite a flip, hunh)? I believe that each one of us is hard-wired, before birth, with a message that must be expressed. Most of our growing and development is centered around learning that message and how best we might let it be heard. I keep repeating that the dialogue with self is the most important one of all, and that is the reason. How can we express the message if we don’t even know it exists? It’s as simple as breathing.

The word spirit means: breath, of the air. Likewise, the word inspire, means: to breathe in. And unless, one intends to hyperventilate, or pass out completely, one must exhale, express what has been breathed in. As we move through each day, each moment, we breathe in all of our experiences with our senses, cataloguing them, sorting them out. We need to exhale what we have inspired. We need to define that experience, find words that allow us to understand what it might mean to us and to our ongoing existence, or run the risk of exploding, or imploding, take the risk of completely missing that fine line completely, and smashing into hard ground at high speed. None of which is truly healthy for the self or the world around us.

In the course of sorting and cataloging all of that information, we can and do find that message, the one expressed by the very manner in which we deal with all of those experiences. How we see it all, feel it all, and the thought process we use to understand it, is the very message we express by how we respond to the world around us. Which brings us to even more definitions. Do we react, simply move automatically into learned by rote behavior, or do we respond in the moment, giving that present moment all that we, as individuals, have to offer it?

Is your message Anger? Indifference? Apathy? Or is it Compassion? Awareness? Enlightenment, or Chaos? How do you know, if you haven’t taken the time to discover that? The present moment is all that we truly have to possess. It is the fine line we are balanced on before flipping forward to the next, or backward to get our bearings so that we can proceed to the next one. Do you greet the next moment with utter silence, or thoughtful expression? Do you shout your message, perhaps making it incomprehensible, or offer it wisely in its appropriate time and place? Or, do you simply remain silent, letting the moment pass, never to be seen again?

There is a fine line between silence and whatever message we have to offer. We have far less than a moment to find that line, and land on it securely. Sometimes it is best to remain silent. Only you can decide in that one moment we are allowed. But, silence can easily become a habit that leads to repeated bouts of hyperventilation, or worse. Have you taken the time to discover that fine line in your own experience? How do you breathe? Do you know where and how to plant your feet on that fine line suspended in the air that you breathe, ready to spring up and meet the next moment? Prepared to grasp that freedom whenever and wherever it might arise? It has been said that a wise man keeps and uses his words carefully. Are you such an individual? If you hope to be, it might be best to begin finding that fine line, and practicing your own personal balancing act. And please remember that patience is also a balancing act, especially when and where it concerns the self.

One Moment

11/5/08

We have a new president today, Barack Obama. Each of us has partaken in a distinct moment of history in this past twenty-four hours. We, all together, have opened a new door of possibilities, not just for ourselves, but for each other. We have finally shown ourselves to be what we have always said we were: a melting pot of diverse cultures, ethnicity, where all are welcome and given a chance to live differently and with freedom. We have finally been awakened to the reality of possibilities and the changes such an attitude may bring. We might want to take a moment and mark this one down. Let ourselves think about what this momentous experience means to our own personal attitudes, beliefs, and everyday experience.

Are we up the challenge? Can we be open enough, within our own minds and hearts, to greet this moment as a good place to begin living in a new manner? One that is freer, than any before it, in a nation that is firmly imbedded in the concept of freedom, or at least states repeatedly that it is. Not long ago, we all together, honored the loss of innocence we, as a nation, underwent on 9/11. Now, we have collectively chosen to take a new step toward replenishing and refilling that gap of ignorance such innocence reveals. We can’t go back and undo that other experience, no matter how much we may desire such a thing. All we can do is learn from that past experience. This is our opportunity.

Will we grasp this opportunity to prove that we are no longer ignorant, therefore vulnerable? Take it for the opportunity it is, to learn the lessons we need to grow away from even more ignorance, toward a future strength that is not based in right through physical might, but one that has been tempered in the crucible and pain of that loss? A strength born out of healing, rather than retaliating in bitterness and further anger? Will we, each one of us, take the time, this one moment, to examine one small thing we can do, today, to show that we will move forward, take this momentous opportunity to become one degree more of what we say we are, and less than what we have shown ourselves to be?

With these words, I have proclaimed that I, as one individual, intend to stand up, to take this moment to risk being visibly counted as one who truly believes, that together, we can be better than we have ever been. Will you?