Headed Into The Home Stretch

 

#76. One of my all time favorite movies is Terminator II. I particularly like the humor and the special effects.

#77. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out to see a movie.

#78. For a long time, years, I avoided pizza. Think I had too much of it and just stopped liking it. It’s back on my menu now. Especially fresh-baked and at the pizzeria. Which means it’s still a long time between enjoyments.

#79. I used to bite my nails terribly. All through childhood and into adulthood. In my thirties, I went on a long-term food plan and simply stopped doing it. No conscious effort or thought process involved. I think I had some very strange food issues, lol.

#80. I really dislike it when someone tells me what they want me to do before asking me if I will consider it.

#81. I am very short, only five feet and one inch tall. Although I have often dreamed about having long slim legs, I find being a short person somewhat of an advantage. Most people are not afraid of short individuals, which means they are often surprised.

#82. Because of a back condition, I have to use those battery operated carts when I go shopping. Yes, I have taken out end displays once or twice.

#83. I have been to Montana four times and would love nothing better than to go again. Don’t want to live there, just look.

#84. I find the green, in my home state of Wisconsin, recognizably different from any other place I have ever been. Deeper and more satisfying.

#85. I find the color brown, in all of its varying shades, to be under-rated and too often dismissed. It can be, and is, incredibly striking and beautiful.

#86. I love long rides to nowhere. Destinations, too often, get in the way of complete enjoyment.

#87. I am selfish, especially with my time and energy. What’s more, I see that as a virtue, for the most part.

#88. I like one on one experiences and do not like crowds. I miss too much and begin to feel claustrophobic.

#89. I do not like discussing politics. I find it, too often, a power playing device.

#90. My father passed away over twenty years ago and I still miss him and think about him often. He took me fishing and I was his fishing buddy for years. He was a quiet, gentle man and taught me a great deal, through his actions, about ethics and the things I would need to know, later on in life.

#91. I am a fairly good story-teller if I can stay on track long enough to get to the finish line.

#92. I am the only one of four siblings who was named after my Mother’s siblings. My first name belonged to my Mother’s youngest sister. My middle name was first owned by her oldest one. Both of those women, my aunts, made deep and lasting impressions on me.

#93. My grandmother had nine children and fifty-six grandchildren. Those, in turn, gave her well over a hundred great-grandchildren by the time she died at age 94. That is quite a legacy.

#94. My father was put out for adoption when he was six-months old, then placed in foster care when he was four, due to the Depression. He did re-unite with his biological family as an adult and had a strong bond with his brother who looked a great deal like him.

#95. I think it is a top priority to get to know oneself before attempting to understand others. One is far more apt to be forgiving and truly empathetic if one has done so.

#96. I love fresh apples dipped in caramel sauce.

#97. I use my scanner to get some distance on my coloring projects, both during the process and afterward. It really helps to actually see what is happening and how it might all work.

#98. I have become rather methodical about all of the paper work I do, both the writing and the coloring. I file and label everything. Now, if only I could even begin to do that with all the other stuff in my life.

#99. Color has its own language and I am finally learning how to really listen to it, when it speaks. It knows where it does and doesn’t belong and says, “maybe, maybe not” when there is any hint of a doubt.

#100. I do watch American Idol, and if I had to explain why, we might be here for another 101 list.

#101. I am finished. I am pleased about that and it was far less nerve wracking then I thought it would be. I have learned a great deal, discovered areas I need to look more closely at, and have accumulated several more clean, plastic, ice-cream tubs, but no takers.

By the way, I saw my counselor this past week and told her about doing this list. She was astounded that I would even attempt such a thing. It is extremely gratifying to know that, at my age, I can still astound or mystify anyone.

A Few Negatives in The 101

 

Number eight on my 101 list of things about me states that I am opinionated. So far, I have kept my list on the positive side of things, or at least attempted to do that. Today, I’m going to list a few things I dislike, or that I find wrong with my world.

42. I do not like or appreciate stereotypical generalities. I have a tendency to react to them when they are offered as some sort of proof or support for an argument, especially about individuals. Using someone’s age, gender, skin-color, or circumstances as proof of a negative judgment raises the hackles on the back of my neck. I usually will set out to prove just the opposite, if I can, and I often do. I really dislike it when it is used as a quasi-form of witticism. This is, for me, stupidity and ignorance, and there is nothing funny about it.

43. I really hate the fact that my circumstances do not allow me to have a vehicle of my own. My independence is threatened by that reality and it doesn’t sit well at any time.

44. Although I love to go fishing, I do not like the taste of fish. I do enjoy a good fish fry periodically, but fish is not a part of my regular diet. My father used to tell me, especially while we were cleaning perch after fishing all day, that eventually I would grow to enjoy and love this one of his favorites. Sorry Dad, it hasn’t happened yet.

45. I thoroughly enjoy finding the reasons for why things are the way they are. I have yet to find one good one for childhood sexual abuse. I hope I never do.

46. I hate the silence attached to certain subjects, such as that in #45. Yes, I understand the discomfort of knowing that reality, but the silence that often is attached to it is a punishment of the victim. A wounding burden that sometimes completely overshadows the particulars, and does so for years.

47. I really don’t much like the color pink. I think that is because, for me, it speaks of tenderness and vulnerability. That only means I am trying to confront it as I do the coloring I enjoy so much. It’s hard work.

48. I really dislike people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and choices, thus making their comfort and happiness the responsibility of others. I call them crazymakers.

49. Which means, in turn, that I have a problem with individuals who refuse to confront their own reality. I am speaking here of those who absolutely refuse to acknowledge the elephant taking up space in their living rooms.

50. I much prefer a positive attitude to a negative one. Which means I’ve had enough of this portion of my list for today.

I will continue my list, perhaps sprinkling in a negative here or there. It is proving to be an interesting exercise. Not sure anyone else is getting anything out of this, but I am certainly doing so.

At first I was intimidated by that number 101. In college, a 101 course is the very beginning level of a subject. One usually doesn’t get to the real meat of the topic until the 200 level, and above. By then, one is familiar with the jargon, all the basic concepts, and is able to hopefully converse in a knowledgeable manner on different levels concerning the subject matter. One should, by then, be able to question, as well as prove support for ones opinions about it.

I think it might be far more profitable to have a 101 course on self. I can see it now, an entire semester devoted to finding 101 things about ones own person that remain constant and true over time. OOOPPPPPPPPPs! I think we are back at the beginning again. That could very well be seen as keeping a journal.

A Partial List

 

A couple of days ago, I was on someone else’s site and once again found a sidebar page that was titled Twenty Things About Me. I always read those because I find them interesting as well as informative. At one point, I found one that said, 101 Things About Me. Found that number somewhat intimidating, but also envied the individual the courage to do such a thing.

Decided I would do a 101 list in increments and today will be the first twenty. I have not prewritten any of this, haven’t even thought about it until this moment. So here goes:

1. I take my name very seriously. I do not like being called Liz under any circumstances. I chose to be Elizabeth as an adult, after being called Betty as a child. I did that for very good reasons that have to do with definitions. A  shortened version of my name narrows that definition, considerably.

2. I love words and writing. That should be obvious to anyone who comes here, but sometimes it is best to state the obvious.

3. I have made it one of my purposes to encourage others to write. I truly believe it is one of the healthiest and cheapest forms of therapy available. Besides, I really don’t want to be doing this alone. It’s a good idea to also state ones ulterior motives in order to lessen shock value later on.

4. I love Chocolate. Milk chocolate to be exact, and especially when it is crossed in any form with caramel, nuts (especially pecans), or coconut.

5. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes, which makes number 4 a true tragedy, but one that I have found is still workable in moderation.

6. I believe in the subconscious mind, as well as the collective unconscious. I have spent a great deal of my existence exploring both and find them paths to untold and incredibly rewarding adventures.

7. Because of number 6, I believe in the deep value of symbolism, mythology, dream work, story (written or spoken), connective links between all things, and several other areas that don’t necessarily have a mainstream value with the majority of people. I also believe in the necessity of building bridges.

8. I am opinionated, but also a good listener. I have been known to change my mind and am willing to admit when I’ve gotten it all wrong.

9. I think that laughter is the best healing medicine the human race owns. Used regularly, it ranks right up there with apples, but is also readily available and still free out of season.

10. One of the things I look for in others is the ability to laugh at self. That is far more telling than all the knowledge of a lifetime. That, for me, is true wisdom.

11. I have seven grandchildren, 3 grandsons, and 4 granddaughters. One I have never met, and another who is a stepchild from a former relationship. I love them all and miss them. They are each incredible individuals with tremendous potential.

12. I love going for long drives to nowhere, committing gluttony of the eye, and fishing. Not in that particular order, and they are even better when they are engaged in spontaneously.

13. I am of Native American descent on my Mother’s side and truly recognize the kinship we humans share with all living things. I also have totem animals and even believe they speak to me when I listen.

14. Music is, and always has been, an integral part of my existence. I am drawn by song lyrics that speak to me of my own experience, and my tastes are somewhat eclectic, ranging from country to funky instrumentals.

15. Writing poetry is a natural part of breathing.

16. I am fairly new to blogging and it is still a strange new world I am exploring and loving. I hope that continues.

17. I have an incredible number of friends, both online and in real time. They encourage and support me, and I reciprocate in kind. I have a tendency to view these relationships as a secret hidden treasure that I horde, defend, and protect jealously.

18. Although I am open to new things, I have to consider my physical capabilities which have decreased with the passing of the years. That only means I am willing to make adjustments and do, quite often.

19. I dread the idea of ever being confined to a wheelchair because it will inevitably narrow my choices considerably. On the other hand, one of the funniest experiences I have had was when a friend was propelling me through the doors of an elevator, in a wheelchair, and managed to get me in the chair, stuck in the closing doors. Another friend simply walked away refusing to admit any connection with either of us as we laughed uproariously and made a public spectacle to boot.

20. I love ice cream, especially the varieties that have a ribbon of fudge or caramel running through them. Because of that particular passion, I have an inordinate number of clean plastic tubs, with covers, in my kitchen cupboards. Do you have leftovers? I have a container for you, do you want to be my friend?

Yah, Let’s Do It

 

Was chatting with a friend on Instant Messenger yesterday. In the course of the conversation, she dropped a comment that included a memory we shared from years ago. So we began to throw one liners at each other about our years of shared experiences. All of them included laughter, the result of the things we did back then and got ourselves into and out of. When I finally remarked that she was a part of the best memories I own, she agreed and said that it was like following your heart, but with a best friend along who would always say, “Yah, let’s do it.”

We ended our conversation by making plans to revisit some of those experiences in warmer weather. Many of them centered around road trips, camping, and fishing. We even discussed the adjustments we would have to make to accommodate the effects of the years that have passed since we did those things. Road trips and fishing won’t be too difficult, but sleeping in a tent would definitely put a strain on arthritic joints and a deteriorating back condition. But I am hopeful that together we will figure out the logistics and find a way to do what we both long to do.

It all reminded me of a little saying I have seen here on the internet. It’s a sticker you can send to another individual and it says, “When you are in jail, a good friend will come and bail you out. A best friend will be sitting next to you and saying, ‘That was fun, so what’s next?’ “ Well, at least the gist is the same.

It’s not that either one of us want to go back and be the people we were all those years ago. We want to have that feeling, especially the laughter that was so much a part of our shared adventures. The laughter that comes so easily even now, separated by distance and years of silence. It might be a lot of wishful thinking, no more than a dream, but in that dream we are standing next to one another and both saying, “Yah, let’s do it.” That’s a commitment.

Another friend recently put a quote by Goethe in a comment she left after a piece I had written on Soul’s Music. This is the quote:

The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves as well. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen accidents, meetings and material assistance that no one could have dreamed would come their way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.

Personally, I would define that as synchronicity, one of my favorite subjects. And it does apply here. Boldness, power and magic, three hefty little words, subtitles to that one word: Commitment. And all three of them were present and active during those long ago memories we made. They have been present throughout the complex history of our relationship. It might be that that is the very substance each one of us is seeking with our thoughts of warmer weather, the substance of synchronicity. All it takes is a commitment. Simple, right?

Commitment means so many things, yet only one thing. Committment means change. Raising your hand when all others are neatly folded on flat surfaces. Speaking into a lull in the conversation. Stepping through a doorway, where one has been standing, hesitating, perhaps for years. All of those things are commitments that will change whatever the background image entails.

Following your heart would be so much easier if your head didn’t stack up logistics that feel like mountains that rise higher and higher into infinity. And each mountain wreathed in the clouds of self-doubt that accompany such longings. It would be so much easier if you had a friend with you, someone to nudge you, whisper in your ear, “Yah, let’s do it.”

Someone to move through those changes with you. Share the ups and downs of whatever comes, offering a smile of encouragement when needed, or a pat on the back when things go well. Or a bit of dark humor that erupts into raucous laughter that lightens all that it touches.

Which brings me full circle and back to the beginnings of this blog. I have a friend who wants to go on a road trip, fishing, maybe even camping (can you hear the doubts on that one?). And I am committed to doing that. I have another friend who reminds me of synchronicity and how it works to encourage following through on that commitment. But best of all, I have a third friend that will listen while I work my way through all those doubts, concerns, what-ifs, the actual planning, and more. A friend who happens to hold a Get Out of Jail Free card. Will lean in and whisper, “Let’s do it.” That friend waits patiently as always, on the empty pages of my journal.

Temptation To Play Hooky

 

I don’t want to write today. Certainly don’t want to create yet another blog. At the moment, can’t,  for the life of me, think of why I ever wanted to do this in the first place, let alone actually started doing it. Really want to just sort of drift off somewhere. Don’t really care where, just some place that isn’t here, in this moment.

There’s a little voice, way back in the back of my head, that is saying this is a really dangerous place to be in. This not wanting to write space, but I’ve already been ignoring that voice for over an hour and a half. Know it is possible to do so for countless more. Even asked a friend to call me, to distract me, and managed to stay on the phone for quite some time. Laughed about senseless things, told each other jokes, and finally got off the phone smiling. That disappeared the moment I hit this blank page.

I really really want to play hooky today. Have spent the last week immersed in other people, and I want this one day to myself. Not to do anything necessary, that would ruin the whole energy of playing hooky. Like taking a day off to go fishing. Too bad the weather isn’t that kind.

Have never been interested in ice fishing and think that those who do it must be deep into a need to self-punish. Sort of like whipping yourself with the weather. I mean, fishing is for relaxing, for floating, and can’t see how one can do that with teeth chattering, and toes going numb, and then all that cold cold water, right below that layer of ice one is sitting on. Nope, that’s not my idea of fun.

So, what would be fun today? Already had that giggling laughter fest with my friend. But, I need more of same or similar. Just more of nothing, nothing serious, nothing profound, nothing so deep that one must lean forward to grasp it. Must work the mental gears to find any kind of understanding. Although I usually love that sort of discourse, its just not for today. Sounds way too much like work, discipline, energy and action, and that thought makes me tired.

I could clean the house. Heaven knows it could use a good going over. But again, that would be work. Playing hooky is not work. I’d probably feel very good about myself, though, once it was all done. That certainly deserves a few moments contemplation. No, it doesn’t. Not even close.

Hooky, how does one play hooky, yet stay home. There’s that voice inside my head again. “REALLY DANGEROUS PLACE!!  Okay, so its a bit tricky, this path you are on today. The one you have marked HOOKY. Remember the last time you actually played hooky?”  

Sure I do. High school, took off and walked downtown to meet up with boyfriend and others. Walked right into my parents who were out shopping. That was not a good outcome.

“You were grounded for a month, just for starters, had to come straight home from school, and couldn’t even babysit during that time, and remember the entire list of consequences?”.

Yup, I do remember, but so what? I am so far away from being in high school, living in my parents house, trying to figure out how to get around their rules without too much flack. Doesn’t have any meaning in this present moment. Does it?

“Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it does. Its one of the reasons you have to struggle to give yourself permission to walk away and just play hooky.”

Oh crap! I already decided no profound discussions today. And now my sister has called, asking me once again to alter my day to suit her agenda. It’s really hard not to resent that, especially after the fiasco of yesterday. Which, by the way, is one of the major reasons I want this hooky day. Today! Not tomorrow, today. And I almost caved. A bit of guilty feeling  is not a good enough reason for doing anything.

This is all such nonsense. I will not concede to the guilty feelings. I have not done anything wrong. Wanting a day to myself, to just relax, to float for a while, is not a bad thing, nor is it a sin. As a matter of fact, it is definitely a good thing. A mental health day. ‘An artist’s date’, as Julia Cameron calls it. Down time to refresh, to refuel, to reinvigorate my own person, before I end up empty and exhausted, no good to myself, or anyone else for that matter. I deserve that, and actually need it.

Yesterday was beyond stressful. I was sort of harried most of the day, pushed and pulled in five different directions at once,  and into the evening. Another day like that, and I’ll be depressed, or pretty close to that. Not a good idea for heading into the Holiday week. And my present mood speaks pretty loudly, all by itself. I have to take care of me. That is my first priority and obligation. And I already know that I need to play hooky today. Just disconnect for a while, until I can come back and have enough stamina to face whatever else is coming.

Need to lose myself in some mindless activity like coloring. Just watching the colors flow into patterns, nothing more rigorous than choosing one color from the next. No real thought pattern, no voices except those of some music I might choose to listen to. That really sounds tempting. Deliciously so. Maybe fix something warm and easy to eat. Comfort food, cause I need some comfort today. Yes, this is looking better right along.

My sister will have to take care of her own agenda and obligations. I need to take care of me. My obligations have to do with me today and my need to play hooky.  And I have actually taken care of even one more  by writing this. Now all I have to do is figure out what to title this blog. Then it is onward and upward to warm comfort food and all those delicious colors. I could probably do some dishes while I am making my comfort lunch. Who knows? Anything could happen while one is playing hooky.

The world doesn’t need me for this short space, and if it does, it will just have to wait for tomorrow, when I will be ready because I took the time today, to feed myself internally, as well as externally. Temptation, here I come, and my teeth are not chattering, nor am I losing the feeling in my toes. Still glad I went fishing though, sort of speak, lol.